Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! Shout out to my fingers, I can always count on them.
Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.
I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once. Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness" Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
If only God can judge us, then Santa has some explaining to do. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican. Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments. In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isn't taken. Why do medications never have any good side effects?
Going to Mc Donald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved. If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs. No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription. Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and guys fall in love with what they see. I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops. Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich. Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally. Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way. He wasn't amused, but he did say "You cracked me Up." Life is not a fairy tale. My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can't tell if the situation sucks or not. "The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity." -Abraham Lincoln If it's the thought that counts, think money. Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast. Just like everyone else." -Margaret Mead "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -Isaac Asimov "We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know." -W. Auden "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.
Q: If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live?
Earlier this year, writing for Motherboard, Daniel Stuckey proclaimed Tinder—the geo-location hook up app that matches users together only after both have approved of each other—to be the end of online dating as we know it. The bartender says…”we don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola. Behind every girl’s selfie are approximately 43 nearly identical photos that just didn’t cut it. I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times... If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres. I accidentally broke my Irish friend's Pixar movie. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. You will never get out of it alive." -Elbert Hubbard "Always remember that you are absolutely unique.He touted its minimalism and straight-to-the-point approach. Profiles lack the basic information typically provided on other dating sites and apps, leaving users to select a match solely on looks. Call me old fashioned, but I still like to believe that the best way to meet people is in the flesh.She was at a complete loss as to what to say but still determined to come up with something good, knowing that a witty bio can command just as much attention as a pretty face.My first instinct was perhaps a little weird, but I'm glad I followed it. A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! A: They don't know where home is Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys? A: Kermit the frogs finger Q: What's a porn star's favorite drink? Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?